Average is too Much

So today was ok I guess. I kept up my fast until about 1pm but my sister was home sick so I think she was getting suspicious. In all I ate about 1000 calories which feels like so much! But I burned around 500 while walking and running.
I was going to go out with my best friend Nick, who's name has been changed, but he forgot he had soccer. He's such a stick, I'm so jealous. Have I talked about him already? Anyways, so then I was going to go out with my friend Mary (maybe I should just say all my friends' names have been changed) but she was sick.
Overall my day was pretty uneventful.

I haven't weighed myself in forever and it's killing me! I really want my mom to buy me that scale she promised. I don't feel like I've lost weight though. Even when I fast, I feel solid, and I just want to feel light and hollow.

I've been thinking more about my suicide lately. I know that's how I'm going to die, or some freak accident. I don't want to take pills because I want to donate my organs, but I'm not going to jump in front or off anything. The only decent way is with a gun, but I don't know where I'm going to get one. So I guess pills are the only option. I Lso haven't decided when. Maybe I should create a deadline, like if I don't find a reason to live before highschool grad.
I just don't really see the point anymore. Children suck, I hate them, so I'll never have any, I've never had a boyfriend and I doubt any boys would like a fat bitch like me.
Maybe when I'm finally beautiful I'll be happy.
Or I'll hopefully die trying.