Average is too Much

So today was ok I guess. I kept up my fast until about 1pm but my sister was home sick so I think she was getting suspicious. In all I ate about 1000 calories which feels like so much! But I burned around 500 while walking and running.
I was going to go out with my best friend Nick, who's name has been changed, but he forgot he had soccer. He's such a stick, I'm so jealous. Have I talked about him already? Anyways, so then I was going to go out with my friend Mary (maybe I should just say all my friends' names have been changed) but she was sick.
Overall my day was pretty uneventful.

I haven't weighed myself in forever and it's killing me! I really want my mom to buy me that scale she promised. I don't feel like I've lost weight though. Even when I fast, I feel solid, and I just want to feel light and hollow.

I've been thinking more about my suicide lately. I know that's how I'm going to die, or some freak accident. I don't want to take pills because I want to donate my organs, but I'm not going to jump in front or off anything. The only decent way is with a gun, but I don't know where I'm going to get one. So I guess pills are the only option. I Lso haven't decided when. Maybe I should create a deadline, like if I don't find a reason to live before highschool grad.
I just don't really see the point anymore. Children suck, I hate them, so I'll never have any, I've never had a boyfriend and I doubt any boys would like a fat bitch like me.
Maybe when I'm finally beautiful I'll be happy.
Or I'll hopefully die trying.

My Best Bitch

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've just been so tired.
Yesterday was definitely not my greatest. I can't even remember how many chocolate covered granola bars I had. So today I'm fasting, which should be pretty easy 'cause it's a Friday, plus my mom is working late and my sister doesn't come home til late. I might fast tomorrow too. I've gotten a really good boost of motivation in the form of anger. One of my best friends (who we'll call Sherry) really got under my skin.
We were walking home from school and I was talking about going running. Sherry and I sometimes go running together, and somehow we get on the topic of our last run around our school's track. She was harking on me saying I was the worst runner and how I could only run a hundred metres before getting tired, which is sooooo not true. I ran 13 laps around our oval, which is a little over 4 kilometres, while she ran only 5. I might be PMSing (although I doubt that; I haven't gotten my period since beginning of July) but I feel like ripping her freckled face off just thinking about it! She was being a serious bitch.
But I think she might have a problem too. In our last class today she was saying how she felt like she was going to pass out. Seeing as I once felt like that, and sometimes do, I asked her if she had eaten that day, and she said no; she doesn't like eating around people.
But maybe I'm wrong. I've seen her eat nothing but junk food. If it was just us, I would've asked her if she's ok and maybe we wouldn't have to be alone.

I will make myself post tomorrow. Ciao!

Ups and Downs

Seeing as I didn't post yesterday, a nice recap is in order.
I woke up at 1 in the afternoon and decided that I was going to have breakfast today. It was originally going to be just an apple, but because I'm such a fat ass bitch, I ate it with peanut butter. That was going to be it for the day, but then I remembered we had ice cream in the freezer. I ate a lot of that. After that was done, I told myself that was it, but then my mom ordered pizza. She even got a whole cheese pizza just for me! And she brought home some Skittles for me. And within 20 minutes, they're all gone. I started to feel like total shit and seriously contemplated chugging the bottle of Advil, but then remembered that I don't want to die a fatty.

So I'm still here, and today was MUCH better! I'm a little proud of myself.
I told my mom I wasn't feeling good so I could stay home. I did some good exercises for my abs and danced a little (fav song right now: You'll find a way - Santigold). Overall I think I burned 150 calories while not eating anything :D As I'm typing this, I'm actually resisting the rest of the ice cream and a biiiig bowl of popcorn.

Tomorrow I'm getting up at 5:30 to go running, plus I have PE at school. Hopefully I'll post tomorrow.

Calories Yesterday
Apple + peanut butter = 300
Ice cream = 300
Skittles = 250
Whole small pizza = Aprox 1250

Total: Aprox 2000 (ugh)

Oh and I forgot to tell you my BMI. It's 22.
Until next time! Ciao.

Introductions

Hello,
and welcome to my first blog.
My name is Maddie. Let me tell you about myself.

I am currently 14 years old, born on Valentine's day, and live in Canada. And I have an Eating Disorder.
Actually I don't know if it's an ED or just disorder eating. Let's just say I have food problems. And yes, this blog will be dedicated to that. If you don't like it, stop reading.
Hopefully I will post a couple times a week, but since I have mommy issues, maybe not. You see, when my mother and I get into a fight (her yelling and me sitting on the couch), she decides to take away my computer priviliges and my iPod touch (which I am using to write this with).
Now you know something else about my life.
I also won't be posting my stats that often as my mom is too fat scared to buy a scale. Hopefully she'll keep her promise and get me one soon (she thinks I just want one to keep healthy as I've lost a lot of weight this summer), but for now the only time I can weigh myself is at my aunt's.
I also have a sister who is five years older than me, and I must admit she is overweight, but her figure is stuning. She is beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing about her.

Luckily I got to weigh myself today, so here are my stats:

Height: 5 feet, 5 inches
Highest weight: 150 pounds (Ewww!)
Current weight: 132 pounds
Lowest weight: 132 pounds (Today! I'm happy, but there's a long way to go)
Goal weight ONE: 130 pounds (Two pounds away!!)
ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT: 103 Pounds (Although now that is starting to sound too heavy)

I hope to be at least 120 pounds by New years.
Wish me luck!